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Having children
Old 9th September 2018
  #1
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BarcelonaMusic's Avatar
 
Having children

I`m in my early 40`s, wife in 30`s. No kids. My 2 sisters pop them out like crazy(I have 7 nieces/nephews). I`m very torn on it. I know it hurts my wife, who would be a wonderful mother, but has a demanding career. Myself, my dad wasn`t really around, so I`m not sure about how good of a father I might be myself, despite my instincts. That said, we enjoy just going on impromptu trips and the like. Coming home when we like. We have 2 dogs and they seem hard enough(I get not nearly as hard as a living person). I feel like we are kind of robbing ourselves of the experience of life. Now for the petty stuff..Myself and my 2 sisters are well off. I`m not sure how my mother could make it independently without us. In response to that, on top of our regular retirement, we`ve opened a separate 401k that gets HEAVILY donated to. I`m just trying to reconcile the emotional/financial realities of not having your children to have your back, and wondering if anyone else is in the same boat. There is still time, but I just don`t think it`s going to happen, for more reasons than one.
Old 11th September 2018
  #2
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PrettyGone's Avatar
 
🎧 10 years
Old 12th September 2018
  #3
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Thom@s's Avatar
My wife and I are in our late 40's. I was never really interested in being a father. That said, I just assumed I would be at some point. I'm certain my wife feels she's missing out on not continuing her lineage, but over the years, she's grown too accustomed to the freedom from raising children. Like you, I'm putting more into my 401k with the knowledge we'll be on our own when it comes to needing help when elderly. Now that my Dad is in the nursing home, that part of life concerns me the most.
Unlike you, I know I do not have the temperament to be a father.
Old 13th September 2018
  #4
Gear Head
 
🎧 10 years
I'm 43... 44 in a few weeks.

I have a 7yo daughter and a 6mo son.

I never saw myself as a father. Kids were never part of the plan in any way.

I can tell you, and you will never KNOW until you have a child, it is the meaning of life.

Yes, you will have less money, less freedom, all of that, but really once the child is there you never feel the sting.

You will find a new meaning of love that is unattainable in any other way.

Forget all of your own selfishness and take the dive without hesitation.

I know parenthood is not for everyone, but it sounds to me like you will have regrets if you don't.

It's worth it a million times over.
Old 13th September 2018
  #5
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4 Reviews written
🎧 10 years
(warning: soapbox rant!) Having children because:

1. you don't want to miss out on "the experience" for yourself
2. to have someone take care of you at the end of your life or
3. to carry on a lineage

are all terrible reasons to have children, on par with saving a failing relationship. If you're in your 40s and aren't sure whether you want them or not, you probably shouldn't have (your own) kids.

I'm 44, decided years ago I didn't need to have my own kids but was open
to adopting at some point, though doubt we will (wife agrees). The only reason to parent a child is to give give love, support, and guidance–which would best be spent on an unwanted child with no parents already fighting their way through life. There are way too many people on this planet, many of whom were born to parents who didn't want or weren't sure or later regretted having them and resented them.

We need to adopt more animals and kids and stop breeding. Two cats and a wife is all I can manage at the moment...

End rant
Old 15th September 2018
  #6
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BarcelonaMusic's Avatar
 
Thank you all for the great responses. It sets me to ease.
Old 16th September 2018 | Show parent
  #7
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jimmydeluxe's Avatar
 
4 Reviews written
🎧 10 years
[QUOTE=JohnnyDemonic;13516003]I'm 43... 44 in a few weeks.

I have a 7yo daughter and a 6mo son.

Quote:
Originally Posted by JohnnyDemonic ➡️
I'm 43... 44 in a few weeks.

Forget all of your own selfishness and take the dive without hesitation.

I know parenthood is not for everyone, but it sounds to me like you will have regrets if you don't.

It's worth it a million times over.

I'm glad you're happy with your kids. However, labeling anyone that chooses not to breed as "selfish" is...ignorant and rude. People who insist on making "their own" copies of themselves and further tax the already tremendously over-populated planet, rather than adopt or foster could just as easily be labeled as selfish.

As far as regrets, here's an article about parents who regret having kids:

‘It's the breaking of a taboo’: the parents who regret having children | Life and style | The Guardian

Food for thought: has the Dalai Lama not experienced the "meaning of life," or ultimate love?
Old 17th September 2018 | Show parent
  #8
Gear Head
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by jimmydeluxe ➡️
(warning: soapbox rant!) Having children because:

...

3. to carry on a lineage

are all terrible reasons to have children
But that is the entire purpose of reproduction. There is nothing more important, biologically.
Old 17th September 2018
  #9
Gear Head
 
Jamie_72's Avatar
 
🎧 10 years
Quote:
There is nothing more important, biologically.
No.
We are not animals we are human.

The most important thing is to increase your sense of awareness and grow your brain.

Before long Carbon based lifeforms will be redundant and Silicon based lifeforms will take over.
Old 19th September 2018 | Show parent
  #10
Gear Addict
 
🎧 10 years
Quote:
Originally Posted by jimmydeluxe ➡️
(warning: soapbox rant!) Having children because:

1. you don't want to miss out on "the experience" for yourself
2. to have someone take care of you at the end of your life or
3. to carry on a lineage

are all terrible reasons to have children, on par with saving a failing relationship. If you're in your 40s and aren't sure whether you want them or not, you probably shouldn't have (your own) kids.

I'm 44, decided years ago I didn't need to have my own kids but was open
to adopting at some point, though doubt we will (wife agrees). The only reason to parent a child is to give give love, support, and guidance–which would best be spent on an unwanted child with no parents already fighting their way through life. There are way too many people on this planet, many of whom were born to parents who didn't want or weren't sure or later regretted having them and resented them.

We need to adopt more animals and kids and stop breeding. Two cats and a wife is all I can manage at the moment...

End rant
I'm almost 40, and am getting to the point in my life where I'm more open to the idea of children. And those are my three reasons for it. But I don't think that necessarily means I'd be a bad parent. It just means that it's difficult for me to understand the other reasons, due to the fact I'm not a parent yet (and at this stage, probably never will be...though you never know.)

Love, support and guidance are perfectly valid reasons for being a parent; however, I think it's difficult to have the desire to provide that for something that doesn't even exist yet. But when the abstract notion of children becomes real-life, flesh-and-blood human beings with their own personalities and needs, I suspect that would change.

Based on accounts I've heard (many of which are similar to some in this very thread), my basic assumption, particularly for men, is that such a desire comes after having children, not before. Though with women, it can be the other way around, due to their biological clock and all that. Generally speaking, of course.

Having said all that, I admit to being a little skeptical as to whether parents' glowing accounts of having kids are so uniform simply because it really is head and shoulders above anything else that makes life worth living? Or whether they say those things because saying anything different risks them getting accused of being a horrible person? I'd rather not be that cynical though.

Last edited by kadeemusic; 19th September 2018 at 12:50 AM..
Old 19th September 2018 | Show parent
  #11
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PrettyGone's Avatar
 
🎧 10 years
Quote:
Originally Posted by kadeemusic ➡️
Based on accounts I've heard (many of which are similar to some in this very thread), my basic assumption, particularly for men, is that such a desire comes after having children, not before.

I’m not totally clear on the science, but I’m pretty sure that babies have the ability to brainwash people using a sort of ‘pheromone gas’. Once sufficiently exposed to the gas older humans feel an overwhelming need to care for the baby. It’s quite creepy really.

So… if you do have a baby it’s probably a good idea to limit your exposure to it as much as possible. You’re probably ok in the same room, but definitely don’t touch or hold it! In this way, should you later decide that you don’t really like the baby and/or its mother, it will be much easier to leave.

Old 19th September 2018 | Show parent
  #12
Gear Addict
 
🎧 10 years
Quote:
Originally Posted by PrettyGone ➡️
I’m not totally clear on the science, but I’m pretty sure that babies have the ability to brainwash people using a sort of ‘pheromone gas’. Once sufficiently exposed to the gas older humans feel an overwhelming need to care for the baby. It’s quite creepy really.

So… if you do have a baby it’s probably a good idea to limit your exposure to it as much as possible. You’re probably ok in the same room, but definitely don’t touch or hold it! In this way, should you later decide that you don’t really like the baby and/or its mother, it will be much easier to leave.

I am definitely aware that babies are gassy.
Old 19th September 2018
  #13
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Ben F's Avatar
 
1 Review written
🎧 15 years
Having children is one of the most wonderful gifts life can offer.

However this and can (and generally does) change your relationship with your partner quite a lot, especially in the early years. Makes some couples closer and some worse. It puts a lot of pressure on the male financially as well.

I'm a single dad and have 2 beautiful children, still no regrets as they are the love of my life. I'd say go for it
Old 19th September 2018
  #14
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Bob Ross's Avatar
 
🎧 15 years
Peruse this before doing anything:

The Childless By Choice project
Old 23rd September 2018 | Show parent
  #15
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BarcelonaMusic's Avatar
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ben F ➡️
Having children is one of the most wonderful gifts life can offer.

However this and can (and generally does) change your relationship with your partner quite a lot, especially in the early years. Makes some couples closer and some worse. It puts a lot of pressure on the male financially as well.

I'm a single dad and have 2 beautiful children, still no regrets as they are the love of my life. I'd say go for it
Yes. I`m not worried about the financial part, it`s just we can barely handle 2 dogs. Just getting someone to come to the house to feed them is a chore. We like to travel and do what we want. Yes, that is very selfish and even I can see that. I watch my brother-in-law with my toddler niece and he is everything I am not. He`s just an awesome dad. I feel I lack some of that instinct. Maybe because how I was brought up. I`m the one everyone says " jeez, you have so much to offer a child I can`t believe.." Really, I`m uncomfortable with babies. "Hold my baby!". Ugh, what if the "hand off" doesn`t go so well? When they are walkin` and talkin`, it`s a blast with my nieces and nephews. That`s what I want. I don`t want the "baby" experience. Yes, I am selfish. I would like to spread the "music gene". It`s something that`s been in our family for generations. Everyone plays something. Without my, or anyone else s influence, my nephews are barely teens and already playing guitar(Even though they live 1000 miles away, same taste in music as I had when I was in my early teens-Zep, Sabbath, etc.). I buy the oldest his guitars and amps. My sister doesn`t "get it". I bought him a "middle of the road" LTD axe and a Roland Cube 30. WAY better than what I had when I was 13! The Cubes ROCK.
Old 19th October 2018
  #16
Lives for gear
 
🎧 5 years
I’ve known forever I don’t want kids. I made that decision relatively permanent by getting fixed a couple years back. No regrets so far.
Old 20th October 2018
  #17
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BarcelonaMusic's Avatar
 
Ugh still struggling with this. My wife has severe PCOS and we have tried several times. Nothing.
Old 20th October 2018 | Show parent
  #18
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jimmydeluxe's Avatar
 
4 Reviews written
🎧 10 years
Quote:
Originally Posted by BarcelonaMusic ➡️
Ugh still struggling with this. My wife has severe PCOS and we have tried several times. Nothing.
Ugh-dopt! Does a child have to look like you for you to care for it and raise it?

How rewarding and meaningful it could be to provide a loving home for a child who was "unwanted" and has no family!
Old 22nd October 2018 | Show parent
  #19
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BarcelonaMusic's Avatar
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by jimmydeluxe ➡️
Ugh-dopt! Does a child have to look like you for you to care for it and raise it?

How rewarding and meaningful it could be to provide a loving home for a child who was "unwanted" and has no family!
I like that idea better.
Old 4th March 2021 | Show parent
  #20
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jimmydeluxe's Avatar
 
4 Reviews written
🎧 10 years
Quote:
Originally Posted by Whatever ➡️
Reproduction is the meaning of life.

Ask any living thing.

Then look at yourself in the mirror after a decade(s) of coke and orgies.

Ask any 40 something “Sex and the City” clone here in NYC.

Even Hank Moody had a daughter and she was the meaning of his life!

Have kids. Live the good life. Before it’s too late.
I just quoted several (probably) living things–all of whom had a bit more of a cultural impact than Hank Moody.

It makes sense that having kids is the most meaningful thing you could do if your role model is a fictitious, washed-up writer, failed father and partner...

Even as fiction, Hank Moody's imaginary daughter was an absolute c*nt-perfect example of a reason to not have kids. Did he become a better man because of her? Was she a happy, well-adjusted child because of his miraculous discover of meaning in her? Nope and nope, pretty realistic picture, actually-he was miserable and she hated him for being a ****ty dad.

I hope your kids don't end up too narcissistic and empty after you've extracted all your life's meaning from them

Stop telling people breeding is the meaning of life-not everyone needs to breed to experience something outside themselves.
Old 4th March 2021
  #21
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jimmydeluxe's Avatar
 
4 Reviews written
🎧 10 years
You completely missed the meaning of my Moody kid breakdown, and you clearly don't know my "type"...but your name says it all, mate-whatever
Old 5th March 2021 | Show parent
  #22
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jimmydeluxe's Avatar
 
4 Reviews written
🎧 10 years
Quote:
Originally Posted by Whatever ➡️
Breeding is for dogs.

People aren’t dogs.

This dehumanizes and disenchants the human condition.
Wait-so a human's purpose, you've said, is procreating; Yet, using the word "breeding," for the same act, "dehumanizes the human condition." So you're admitting there is a human condition/purpose beyond breeding?

You prove my point for me-thank you, my work here is finished.
Old 5th March 2021 | Show parent
  #23
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Cpl. Punishment's Avatar
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by jimmydeluxe ➡️
Even as fiction, Hank Moody's imaginary daughter was an absolute c*nt-perfect example of a reason to not have kids.
Way to equivocate there mate; if you're going to disabuse someone of the notion that a fictional character may actually reflect reality, it rings very hollow for you to do the same thing, and with the exact same fictional character.

Reproduction is the primary biological imperative for all life, and to deny that simple fact is narcissistic vanity of irreducible proportions. You don't want kids? Fine. You do you, be your best self and live your life to the fullest. But also, stay in your lane. Using words like "breeding" is as insulting as it is unnecessary, completely at odds with a modern, enlightened culture which claims that equality, diversity and inclusion are key societal tenets.
Old 5th March 2021 | Show parent
  #24
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jimmydeluxe's Avatar
 
4 Reviews written
🎧 10 years
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cpl. Punishment ➡️
Way to equivocate there mate; if you're going to disabuse someone of the notion that a fictional character may actually reflect reality, it rings very hollow for you to do the same thing, and with the exact same fictional character.

Reproduction is the primary biological imperative for all life, and to deny that simple fact is narcissistic vanity of irreducible proportions. You don't want kids? Fine. You do you, be your best self and live your life to the fullest. But also, stay in your lane. Using words like "breeding" is as insulting as it is unnecessary, completely at odds with a modern, enlightened culture which claims that equality, diversity and inclusion are key societal tenets.
Yawn. Don't hop up in the end of thread without reading the whole thing and try to sweep in with The Big Save. lol being triggered by my choice of verbiage doesn't equivocate to impacting the discussion, but thanks for playing.

Also, you are incorrect. Reproduction isn't the primary biological imperative for all life, survival is. Try googling before you want to drop the hammer of truth.
Old 5th March 2021 | Show parent
  #25
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Cpl. Punishment's Avatar
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by jimmydeluxe ➡️
Don't hop up in the end of thread without reading the whole thing and try to sweep in with The Big Save.
Oh my. No drama here. Strawman much?

But help me out on that first part -- where exactly would one "hop in" a thread other than the end?



Quote:
Originally Posted by jimmydeluxe ➡️
Also, you are incorrect. Reproduction isn't the primary biological imperative for all life, survival is. Try googling before you want to drop the hammer of truth.
I'm sorry, but while I'm positive there are many subjects on which you might speak with authority, on this one you are simply incorrect. And it's not that you're wrong, it's that you don't even know you're wrong and are apparently incapable of recognizing it. What would be even more disappointing is if you actually *did* know how wrong you are, but merely want to argue for the sake of arguing.

So why be so insulting, why make assumptions and belittle others who don't share your opinions? If you're so insecure in yourself and opinions that you have to lash out at those who disagree with you, well, best of luck with that.
Old 1 week ago | Show parent
  #26
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kpatz's Avatar
 
🎧 10 years
Quote:
Originally Posted by jimmydeluxe ➡️
Also, you are incorrect. Reproduction isn't the primary biological imperative for all life, survival is. Try googling before you want to drop the hammer of truth.
Reproduction is part of how a species survives.

But that doesn't mean every member of that species has to reproduce in order to survive. Just enough to maintain genetic diversity and carry on from one generation to the next.

In the case of humans, we're reproducing at a way more than sufficient rate to "survive." WAY too much, in fact.

It's your choice to have children or not to, but no one should feel compelled, by anyone, to "pass on their genes" or their "family name" or what have you. Now THAT is selfish in my book. Unless you've mutated into a being with super powers that your kids will inherit, it's not any more likely that your kid(s) will be the one to cure cancer or world hunger than anyone else's. If you choose to adopt a child, you'll make a bigger difference in their life than by procreating your own, and who knows, that kid could grow up to do something big just like your own could.

For the record, I'm 54 and have no kids, and never will. My parents foster parented babies for most of my childhood life and adopted two of them, and I was only 11 or 12 when I decided I would not have any of my own. To this day I have not regretted that decision for a nanosecond.
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