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If I Had a Pair of You - JJ
Old 1st March 2014
  #1
Gear Head
 
🎧 5 years
If I Had a Pair of You - JJ

High! My second GearSlutz song.

This one is a bona fide demo with not a shred of pretentions toward being an actual song yet. This song kept me awake the

other night, so I wrote it down and still liked it the next morning. I slapped together one guitar, one vocal, and a few

claps so I could show you its bare bones.

I wanted to get some feedback on those bones (structure, lyrics, melody, length, gimmicks) before it fully settled onto my

DAW.

Also, if you have any ideas about what you think would sound nice in the final product, I would be much obliged.

Thank you!


https://soundcloud.com/joejohnstun/i...-a-pair-of-you



If I Had a Pair of You

If I had a pair of you I wouldn't know which one to choose
Cuz I can't get enough of you, I can't get enough
So I'd buy you both mismatching shoes and I'd take you on a swinger's cruise
Cuz I can't get enough of you, I can't get enough of you

They said one of you's enough and three's a crowd and two's too much
But I'm unlucky and one and two and love
So I'll double my chances to sweep you off
And I can never ever get.. get enough of you


If I had two of you the same
I'd give you both silly nicknames, call one of you Mary, the other one Jane
Cuz I can't get enough of you, I can't get enough
I'd roll you up in pretty paper I'd smoke one now and save one for later
I can't get enough of you, I can't get enough of you

If I had a pair of you I wouldn't know which one to choose
Cuz I can't get enough of you, I can't get enough
And if you two made my wish come true, I'd only wish for one more you
Cuz I can't get enough of you, I can't get enough and
I can't get enough of you, I can't get enough of you

She said one of me's enough and three's a crowd and two's too much
But I'm unlucky in lust and too and love
So I'll double my chances to sweep you off
And I can never ever get.. get enough of you


If I had a pair of you I'd let you both have other me's too

Because I can't get enough of you, I can't get enough and
I can't get enough of you, I can't get enough of you
Old 1st March 2014
  #2
Deleted User
Guest
It's average, cutesy, cliche. I hit the stop button halfway through. That's all I could take.
Old 1st March 2014
  #3
Gear Head
 
🎧 5 years
I listened all they way through.
I think there is a really good 3:10 - 3:20 song in there. Your first draft is cute and hooky, all good. The sound is innocent and sincere. It just needs to get where it's going a little more quickly.
Keep working on it!!
Old 1st March 2014
  #4
Gear Addict
 
Magic Alex's Avatar
Hilarious! It sounds like a eunich Hobbit singing, so it grabbed my attention.

The storyline was cliche, but you opened it in a way that aroused my curiosity and made me want to hear the outcome.

The chorus at .43 broke my enjoyment, but that would be arrangement. A cello would be a great addition, and perhaps 2 silly voices giving a choral performance. (each voice representing 'one of her')

Sure, it got tiring after 2 minutes, but again, that's arrangement. Other playful instruments would keep it fun.

I'd also fade out on the whistling break. Keep the song short, like a 50's lollipop song. It's better to have a song that ends too soon and the audience plays it again, rather than a song that people turn off.

Very Barenaked Ladies. It made smile and chuckle. Don't let it get serious, keep it silly. Good potential!
Old 1st March 2014
  #5
Gear Head
 
HSA7's Avatar
 
🎧 5 years
Good song/ melody/ sentiment. Add a rest (like everyone else today) before launching the chorus. Tighten up the arrangement, make a killer video and post everywhere. Regardless of whether I would buy it, from an objective marketing perspective, I think you have something.
Old 1st March 2014
  #6
Gear Addict
 
Magic Alex's Avatar
Pursue this with vigour, JJ! It's VERY marketable! It's happy, fun and quirky. The theme is, "so good, I wish I had 2". That could sell hamburgers, clothing, iPhones, and even cars. I expect to see this on TV soon.
Old 1st March 2014
  #7
Here for the gear
 
🎧 5 years
I have to agree with Frank that this song is cutesy (a bit sickeningly so, imo). However, if you're a fairly attractive young guy, I could see this kind of song getting a huge fanbase of young females. It's right up their alley. You remind me a lot of this guy called NeverShoutNever when he used to do solo stuff. It was the same cutesy shtick, and it worked perfectly well for him.
Old 1st March 2014 | Show parent
  #8
Gear Addict
 
stclair's Avatar
 
🎧 5 years
Quote:
Originally Posted by Magic Alex ➑️
Pursue this with vigour, JJ! It's VERY marketable! It's happy, fun and quirky. The theme is, "so good, I wish I had 2". That could sell hamburgers, clothing, iPhones, and even cars. I expect to see this on TV soon.
Yo I agree with all your comments, brother.

It's cute and would be great for a commercial.

If anything I think if you should double-down with the bubbly, there's not enough movement and it 'feels' too slow. Throw in some tambourines or faster moving percussion whatever, something that feels more faster rhythmically and see how it goes. I think it would benefit with a faster feeling production and might mitigate the lack of excitement others are feeling.



[Edit] Reminds me of this. If you could make it feel a bit faster I "think" it would sound more appealing.

Old 2nd March 2014
  #9
Gear Maniac
 
k3nnyt4n's Avatar
 
🎧 10 years
It can be in sesami program.english is my 2nd language so i may make mistake. But i d write it as twin of you and maybe a twist at the end
Old 7th March 2014
  #10
Gear Head
 
🎧 5 years
omg I'm so sorry, I went to work in the Merida Carnaval for a week- just got back! Exhausted!

strat_boy: I completely agree with you, it's a little too long, and I need to get in all the high points but quicker. I'm just going to have to bite the bullet and take out a whistle or a chorus somewhere.

MagicAlex: I know, super cliche, but I was counting on that opening line. It's true, it might sound kickass with 2 female backup parts. That's so good!
"So good, I wish I had 2" - that's exactly it! You understand! haha

HSA7 - What do you mean "add a rest before the chorus"? Like a musical break? For instance, 4 bars of just music? Anyway, I'm not sure I know which part of the song is the chorus. Is it the 'can't get enough of you' refrain or the sharp 'They said one of you's enough' section?

AlphaOmega1: I'm gonna look up NeverShoutNever.

Stclair: So... more bubbly? Meaning like, a reggae upbeat and some bongos? Could work... Thanks!

K3nnyt4n: Haha, ya, might go great in some kind of children's program.


JJ.
Old 7th March 2014 | Show parent
  #11
Gear Head
 
HSA7's Avatar
 
🎧 5 years
Quote:
Originally Posted by joejohnstun ➑️
Like a musical break? For instance, 4 bars of just music?
Yes or just a vocal for 4, or go in a different direction for 4 (and then 8-12 before the last chorus, but don't feature Juicy J).
Old 7th March 2014
  #12
Gear Head
 
🎧 5 years
A capella! Could be a good idea.

Ha, no ... no Juicy Js will be seen around here.
Old 11th March 2014
  #13
Lives for gear
 
🎧 10 years
I like this but I'd say end it at 2:00. Although saying that I think the whistle is nice but should come sooner. I think this is a 2 minute song, it does irritate the hell out of me after the first couple of minutes. I don't like the key change @ 1:30. It's a great song but the arrangement is too long. I can't get enough of you repeats quite quite a lot.

The main thing is that the idea and song is really really good. I think it just over stays it's welcome. Fair?

Listened to it once...
Old 11th March 2014
  #14
Lives for gear
 
Carnalia Barcus's Avatar
 
🎧 5 years
It's not something I'd run out to buy (because I'm not really a huge indie fan, though there are indie artists I'm a fan of), but a thumbs-up in general. There are some nice changes chord-progression wise, I like the sparse arrangement, I don't think that needs to be changed, and I could see this tune working really well in an indie romantic comedy or dramedy.

My one constructive criticism is that by the minute or minute-and-a-half mark, I felt like saying "Take a breath already!" So maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea to try building a bit more space, a bit of "breathing room", into the melody.
Old 2nd June 2014
  #15
Gear Head
 
🎧 5 years
DavieB, CarnaliaBarcus: that's what I'm hearing a lot, that it overstays its welcome. I've a pared it down by about a minute in live versions, thanks to ur guys' critiques. thanks! i really do appreciate ur time.


JJ.
Old 3rd June 2014
  #16
Gear Addict
 
🎧 5 years
Just chiming in. Great concept. Marketable and catchy. Advertisers will love it once you've tightened it up production-wise and shortened the song to under 2 minutes. It's too syrupy-sweet if it goes any longer than that. Kind of like eating one or two Krispy Kreme donuts. After that - forget about it! Whoa, the sugar overload!

Agree with St. Clair with a slight reggae feel direction with music.

You've got something with this one.
Old 3rd June 2014 | Show parent
  #17
Gear Maniac
 
FraternalHouse's Avatar
 
🎧 5 years
Cool

Quote:
Originally Posted by icansing4real ➑️
Just chiming in. Great concept. Marketable and catchy. Advertisers will love it once you've tightened it up production-wise and shortened the song to under 2 minutes. It's too syrupy-sweet if it goes any longer than that. Kind of like eating one or two Krispy Kreme donuts. After that - forget about it! Whoa, the sugar overload!

Agree with St. Clair with a slight reggae feel direction with music.

You've got something with this one.
Really icansing4real, Et tu, Brute?
Glamorizing Drugs..
And Pitch is way to High..
Those Tones will deter many listeners....

Last edited by FraternalHouse; 4th June 2014 at 10:23 PM.. Reason: Syntax
Old 3rd June 2014 | Show parent
  #18
Gear Addict
 
🎧 5 years
Quote:
Originally Posted by FraternalHouse ➑️
Really icansing4real,

Pitch is way to High..
Those Tones will deter many listeners....
Many listeners will enjoy it, it's not like there isn't music out there that's done well with this sort of vocal. And the singing isn't off or anything.

I didn't like the chorus, verses are great. I didn't like when it became clear it was about marijuana, I thought it was about a person at first which works better IMO.
Old 4th June 2014 | Show parent
  #19
Gear Addict
 
🎧 5 years
Quote:
Originally Posted by FraternalHouse ➑️
Really icansing4real,

Pitch is way to High..
Those Tones will deter many listeners....
I think he's got something to further develop! Just didn't know it was about marijuana!!!! I thought it was about a woman! LOL Boy, do I feel like a dunce, but I'm not into drugs so I didn't know they were called Mary and Jane, Mary Jane, or whatever the heck they call it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by FAMPF ➑️
Many listeners will enjoy it, it's not like there isn't music out there that's done well with this sort of vocal. And the singing isn't off or anything.

I didn't like the chorus, verses are great. I didn't like when it became clear it was about marijuana, I thought it was about a person at first which works better IMO.
Thanks for letting me know it was about drugs!
Old 6th June 2014
  #20
Gear Head
 
🎧 5 years
i love marijuana. although i'm not a user personally because of weak lungs, i am definitely an ally. potheads are some of the world's nicest people.

the song IS about a woman, just using a marijuana metaphor to help drive the point home.

icansing4real: UNDER 2 minutes? i don't think that's a very good idea, then it's over and ur like..what?? --how about we compromise for under 3 minutes?

FraternalHouse: musicologist Dr. Alison Pawley and psychologist Dr. Daniel Mullensiefen out at the University of London did a study on catchy (aka popular) songs and determined that "male voices that are high pitched" are one of 4 crucial components in the catchiest songs of all time. (http://www.pajiba.com/seriously_rand...-is-sexist.php). so i don't think 'a pitch that is way too high' will 'deter many listeners.' thank u though

FAMPF: nope, not about marijuana. definitely about a beautiful person.


JJ.
Old 6th June 2014 | Show parent
  #21
Gear Addict
 
🎧 5 years
Quote:
Originally Posted by joejohnstun ➑️
i love marijuana. although i'm not a user personally because of weak lungs, i am definitely an ally. potheads are some of the world's nicest people.

the song IS about a woman, just using a marijuana metaphor to help drive the point home.

icansing4real: UNDER 2 minutes? i don't think that's a very good idea, then it's over and ur like..what?? --how about we compromise for under 3 minutes?

FraternalHouse: musicologist Dr. Alison Pawley and psychologist Dr. Daniel Mullensiefen out at the University of London did a study on catchy (aka popular) songs and determined that "male voices that are high pitched" are one of 4 crucial components in the catchiest songs of all time. (Science Determines the 10 Catchiest Songs of All Time. Also, Science is Sexist). so i don't think 'a pitch that is way too high' will 'deter many listeners.' thank u though

FAMPF: nope, not about marijuana. definitely about a beautiful person.


JJ.
Maybe 2-1/2, definitely under 3...

: )
Old 6th June 2014
  #22
Gear Head
 
🎧 5 years
deal!
Old 6th June 2014 | Show parent
  #23
Gear Addict
 
🎧 5 years
Quote:
Originally Posted by joejohnstun ➑️
i love marijuana. although i'm not a user personally because of weak lungs, i am definitely an ally. potheads are some of the world's nicest people.

the song IS about a woman, just using a marijuana metaphor to help drive the point home.

FAMPF: nope, not about marijuana. definitely about a beautiful person.


JJ.
It's definitely the vibe I got at first which I liked. But either way, if reading/listening to that 2nd verse you probably won't get a chance to point that out, it's going to be taken as being about marijuana by at least some. I thought it fit the entire vibe, being about a girl.
Old 7th June 2014 | Show parent
  #24
Gear Maniac
 
FraternalHouse's Avatar
 
🎧 5 years
Quote:
Originally Posted by joejohnstun ➑️
i love marijuana. although i'm not a user personally because of weak lungs, i am definitely an ally. potheads are some of the world's nicest people.

the song IS about a woman, just using a marijuana metaphor to help drive the point home.

icansing4real: UNDER 2 minutes? i don't think that's a very good idea, then it's over and ur like..what?? --how about we compromise for under 3 minutes?

FraternalHouse: musicologist Dr. Alison Pawley and psychologist Dr. Daniel Mullensiefen out at the University of London did a study on catchy (aka popular) songs and determined that "male voices that are high pitched" are one of 4 crucial components in the catchiest songs of all time. (Science Determines the 10 Catchiest Songs of All Time. Also, Science is Sexist). so i don't think 'a pitch that is way too high' will 'deter many listeners.' thank u though

FAMPF: nope, not about marijuana. definitely about a beautiful person.


JJ.
Yes, but you must consider there is a high pitch for males and there is transgender high pitch.
Old 10th June 2014
  #25
Lives for gear
 
Godson's Avatar
 
🎧 5 years
if anything, that drug reference would only make it more attractive to the execs. they love edgy haha.
Old 30th June 2014
  #26
Gear Head
 
🎧 5 years
godson: haha yes! and being that recreational marijuana, like gay marriage, is on the justice end of the moral arc of the universe, it will soon be nothing more than a bit of legal fun to be had.
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