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Old 21st May 2003
  #1
Lives for gear
 
C.Lambrechts's Avatar
 
🎧 15 years
jokes

let's do a jokes thread .... don't expect any from me though .... I'm horroble at remembering them and even worse at telling them.

On the other hand I'm sure there's at least a few of you who can ....


Old 21st May 2003
  #2
Gear Maniac
 
RSMITH123's Avatar
 
🎧 15 years
What is the definition of an optimist?

A trombone player with a pager.grudge
Old 21st May 2003
  #3
Lives for gear
 
David R.'s Avatar
 
🎧 15 years
What is the question never asked?

Is that the banjo player's Porche?
Old 22nd May 2003
  #4
Here for the gear
 
🎧 15 years
what do you call the people who follow musicians around?

- drummers of course
Old 22nd May 2003
  #5
Here for the gear
 
🎧 15 years
and I am a drummer, so no harm meant~
Old 22nd May 2003
  #6
Lives for gear
 
DigitMus's Avatar
 
🎧 15 years
What do you call the pretty girl on the trombonist's arm?



















A Tatoo!
Old 22nd May 2003
  #7
Gear Addict
 
🎧 15 years
Whats the difference between a soundman (engineer) and a toilet!





A toilet only has to take s*h*i*t from one a*s*s-hole at a time!
Old 22nd May 2003
  #8
Gear Maniac
 
🎧 15 years
What joke thread would be complete without a Blonde joke, so here ya go.........


A blonde walks into a shop and while looking around sees a round chrome thing.
She asks "what's that shinny thing?"
The clerk answers "That a thermos"
The blonde asks "What does it do?
Clerk "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"
Blonde "Oh my God, that sooo cool, I'll take it"

The next day the blonde goes to work and her boss happens to be a Blonde also.


The boss asks "what's that shinny thing"
Blonde " It's called a thermos"
Boss "Huh, what's it do?"
Blonde "Well, it keeps hot thing hot and cold things cold, isn't that sooooo cool"
Boss "Oh my god that is sooo cool, what do you have in it?"
Blonde "Two cups of coffee and a Popsicle"
Old 22nd May 2003
  #9
Lives for gear
 
Steve Smith's Avatar
 
🎧 15 years
makoto, you started it...

Several blonds walk into a bar high fiving each other and exclaming " 45 days, wooo-hooo, 45 days!!!" After several rounds and more cheers about 45 days, thier waiter finally asks what they are celebrating.

"Well, we got a jig-saw puzzle for Christmas, and it said 3-5 years right on the box and we got it finished in only 45 days!"
Old 22nd May 2003
  #10
Lives for gear
 
adamcal's Avatar
 
🎧 15 years
A dad buys his son a bass as a prsent and sends him off to lessons.

after the first lesson he comes home and dad says "what did you learn today" and son replies "I learnt the first 4 notes on the first string", dad says "well done"


after the second lesson he comes home and dad says "so what did you learn today" and son replies "I learnt the first 4 notes on the second string", dad says "well done son

after the third lesson, the son comes home smelling like cigarette smoke and beer, the dads asks nervously "what did you learn today" son says, "nothing, had a gig"
Old 22nd May 2003
  #11
Lives for gear
 
adamcal's Avatar
 
🎧 15 years
a trumbone player and his band were doing a NYE gig at a cool nightclub, it all goes very well and after the gig the owner comes up to them and is so impressed he asks them if they would play there again next NYE.

the trumbone player says "great, no problem, can we leave our gear setup"

Old 22nd May 2003
  #12
Lives for gear
 
adamcal's Avatar
 
🎧 15 years
A guy comes up to another guy in a pub who is dressed all funky and has s***** hair and says "are you in the band", guy replies, "no, im the drummer"

Old 22nd May 2003
  #13
Gear Addict
 
ExistanceMusic's Avatar
 
🎧 15 years
You asked for it......................

Actually, I'll only put up half of what I've got, don't wanna ruin it for everybody

The definition of Perfect Pitch:
Throwing a banjo in the toilet and not hitting the rim.

The definition of a gentleman:
He can play the Banjo, but chooses not to.

Q: How many female singers does it take to sing "Crazy?"
A: All of them!

Q: What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
A: Hey guys, let's do one of my songs.

Q: How can you tell when your guitar player is trying to get into the studio?
A: He's late and he's got the wrong Key.

Q: What do you call the guy surrounded by musicians?
A: The drummer!
The true definition of an optimist is an accordionist who carries a pager!

Q: What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?
A: A drummer.

Q: Why does the guitarist leave his case on the dashboard?
A: So he can park in the handicapped spot.

Q: Why do drummers join bands?
A: They like to hang out with musicians.

Q: What did the drummer get on his SAT test?
A. Drool.

Q. What's the difference between an accordion and a lawn mower?
A. If you put both of them on the Home Shopping Network, you could sell the lawn mower.

Q. How can you tell if the stage is level?
A. Drool comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.

Q. What do you throw to a drowning guitar player?
A. His amp.

Q. What's the best way to play a banjo?
A. With a hack saw.

Q. Why don't bass players ever catch a cold?
A. Even a virus has some pride.

Q. How can you tell a drummer is walking behind you?
A. You can hear his knuckles dragging on the ground.

Q. How can you tell a drummer in a crowd at your front door?
A. He's the one wearing the Domino's pizza hat.

Q. What did the bass player say on his first job?
A. Would you like fries with that coke?

Q. Why do bands need roadies?
A. To translate for the drummer.

Q. How many singers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. One, he just holds onto the bulb and the world revolves around him.

Q. How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Seven - one to hold the bulb and six to drink until the room spins.

Q. How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. One - as long as the roadie gets the ladder, sets it up and puts the bulb in the socket.

Q. What's the difference between a musician and a US savings bond?
A. One of them eventually matures and earns money.

Q. Who is the patron Saint of the accordion?
A. Our lady of Spain.

Q. Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in the car?
A. It took an hour to get the drummer out.

Q. What has 8 teeth and forty feet?
A. The front row of a blue grass concert.

Q. How do you get a guitar player to turn down?
A. Put a chart in front of him.

Q. What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
A. Homeless.

Q. What's the difference between a pig and a musician?
A. A pig won't stay up all night trying to sleep with a musician.


If this thread dies, I've got an emergency joke infusion ready and waiting....
Old 22nd May 2003
  #14
Lives for gear
 
ProFool's Avatar
 
🎧 15 years
It is black & white and if it falls down on your head it hurts pretty bad !!! ??? Ra-ra-ra
















A piano !!!
Old 22nd May 2003
  #15
Gear Head
 
Fat Cat's Avatar
 
🎧 15 years
""Q. What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
A. Homeless. ""......

So freakin' true. ILMAO
Almost every GTR player I know fits that joke.

And hey Existanse, glad to see that you liked my sentence about peace of mind and being a hippie. Cool. Thanks.
Old 22nd May 2003
  #16
Lives for gear
 
DeadPoet's Avatar
 
1 Review written
🎧 15 years
This trombone player finishes a gig and puts his instrument on the back seat of the car. He goes back into the club to have a drink while all of a sudden he hears his car alarm go off !!

He runs outside to find his car with broken glass by the side, the door open and .... two trombones on the back seat.


Drummer decides he wants to learn a *real* instrument, so he goes to the store to buy a gee-tar. He asks the guy behind the counter for a guitar and this guy looks at him while asking: "You're a drummer, right ?"
"Yes indeed, how do you know ?"
"Well...err... this is a grocery store !"


There's this pro light guy rigging for a concert. He's taking a light, attaching it to the truss, setting DMX number and securing it.
God is watching and decides on a small experiment... "What if I take away half this guys brain, would he need it to perform this job ??".

Well... he's God so he takes away 50% of the techs brain.
No change, the guy keeps taking a light, attaching it to the truss, setting DMX number and securing it.

God sees no change, so He decides to take away another 50% of his brain. No change, the guy keeps doing what he was doing.
God takes away more portions of his brain until he has only 2 brain cells left... "Come on, there HAS to change something with this guy, he needs a brain to perform these operations, right ???"
So he decides to take away another cell so that he has only 1 brain cell left.

All of a sudden the lighting guy stops, stands up, walks to the front of the podium and takes a microphone
"One Two, Two, TTTTwo, One Two test. One, two Tessssst"....



Herwig
Old 22nd May 2003
  #17
Lives for gear
 
Midlandmorgan's Avatar
 
🎧 15 years
What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?




No one cries when you cut up a banjo....





2 banjo players get a last minute call to do a New Years gig...the establishment owner actually liked them and said, "can you guys do this next ew Years for the same money?" One of the banjo players says, "Sure!...Can we leave our stuff set up?"
Old 22nd May 2003
  #18
Lives for gear
 
🎧 15 years
Q: What is the difference between a lead singer and a terrorist?


A: You can negotiate with the terrorist.
Old 22nd May 2003
  #19
Gear Addict
 
cymatics's Avatar
 
🎧 15 years
Q. What does a stripper do with her asshole before she goes to work?

















A. Drops him off at band practice.

- jon
Old 22nd May 2003
  #20
Gear Maniac
 
RSMITH123's Avatar
 
🎧 15 years
The 23rd Psalm for Bassists

The Lord is my drummer; I shall not rush.
He maketh me to lay out in tasteful places;
He lea:deth: me beside cool meter changes;
He restoreth my "one."
He lea:deth: me in the right repeats
For His name's sake.

Yea, though I read through the trickiest road maps,
I will fear no train wrecks;
For You are with it;
Your ride and Your snare, they comfort me.

You setteth up a solo for me
In the presence of mine guitarists;
You annointeth my lines with drive;
My groove overflows.

Surely good feel and swing will follow me
All the tunes of each set;
And I will dwell in the pocket
The whole gig long.



peachh peachh peachh
Old 22nd May 2003
  #21
urumita
 
7rojo7's Avatar
 
🎧 15 years
Was that a joke?

What did the blonde say when she woke up under a cow?
Hi guys, who's taking me home?

How many drummers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only one but all the other drummers say "I can do that".

What's the difference between a mistress, a prostitute and a wife?
while doin da nasty the mistress says "harder, harder", the pro says "faster, faster" and the wife says "beige, yeah beige, let's paint the ceiling beige".

What chord does a piano play after it's been dropped down a mine shaft?
A-flat miner.

The only trombone player joke I know is visual and has to do with the "one note samba", can you imagine?


What do elephants use for tampons?
Sheep.

What did the elephant say after he stepped on a monkey?
****, I knew I shouldn't have come to Paris


I've actually written compositions that include accordian, banjo and trombone, they're not on the hit parade but with Bela Fleck Gianluca Petrella, Simone Haggiag and Luciano Biondini they won't sound half bad.

I'm leaving out my parrot joke which is racist, my tailor joke which is super long and lot's of other elephant jokes, and of course the talking dog joke.

It's impossible to joke about lead singers because they'll quit the band.
Old 23rd May 2003
  #22
Mindreader
 
BevvyB's Avatar
 
🎧 15 years
What's the best use for an Oboe?

Kindling for a Bassoon fire.
Old 23rd May 2003
  #23
Mindreader
 
BevvyB's Avatar
 
🎧 15 years
Why did MJ wave the baby out of the window?

He was shaking the ***** off.

(Author:Chrissy Hinde (Pretenders) - 2 weeks ago - she told this to the WHOLE CROWD at her gig - we died)
Old 23rd May 2003
  #24
Mindreader
 
BevvyB's Avatar
 
🎧 15 years
Just in case you missed it first time round:

There are these two guys, Steve and Dave. They're driving back from a really boring late meeting in the city and before Steve gets out to catch a bus, they decide to go for a quick drink somewhere between their two houses to wind down from a busy days work.

They aren't sure where the nearest bar is, and decide to stop at the next place that looks like it serves beer.

They come across a pretty seedy joint next to a run down trailer park. They park the car and go inside.

The place is ok to look at really, nothing special. They order a beer each and sit down. There's nothing really going on in there. Couple of guys playing darts and someone watching the football half asleep at the bar. Usual thing.

After chatting for a while about the days meetings, Steve nods to Dave with a strange look in his eye to see what's walked in through the door. Steve peers around as if he's not really looking, and there's a really wierd sight. A woman, no TWO women, no hang on, one woman....in a dress. Oh my God, how wierd, it's a siamese twin. Female, in an oversize dress. 2 heads, but just one body. This wierd person has just walked into the bar and ordered TWO beers!

Dave turns back to face Steve. "Trailer trash gone wild!" whispers Dave, chuckling in horror.

Before he's got a chance to catch his breath, Dave is prodded sharply in the back and he spills his drink. Dave turns around. Steve looks bewildered.

"Hello, I'm Doris and this is Mabel" says the head on the left on the siamese twin, obviously the one speaking, called Doris.

"Yes, and I'm Mabel, and this is Doris!" screams the head on the right of the saimese twin, before DorisMabel burst out laughing, twice as loud as a normal woman.

DorisMabel sits down with them without even asking. Doris stares into Daves eyes, and Mabel puts her hand on Steve's knee. Steve takes her hand off his knee.

"A round of beer for our friends here!" shouts Doris to the barman. "Yeah, and some vodka shots too!" shouts Mabel.

Before long, the 3 (4) of them are completely drunk.

"Look, I've got to go" says Steve. "My wifes gonna kill me!"

"You never said you were married!" shreiks Mabel.

"You never asked!" replies Steve. "Dave, are you staying?"

But Dave is too busy getting a facefull of Doris. They are really at it, tongues down each others throats.

Steve leaves them to it.

************************

It's now MUCH later.

"Hey" slurs Doris to Dave, "how about you come back with me for the night"

"Where..where do you live" stammers Dave.

"In the trailer park" burps Doris. "It's cozy. There's a bed and everything..."

"But what about Mabel....". Dave looks over at Mabel, who looks bored out of her mind, has sobered up somewhat, and is tapping her fingers on the table in annoyance.

"Ahh, she'll be Ok" waves Doris. "C'mon, let's go!"

And before Dave knows it, he has been ushered out of the bar by the side of DorisMabel known as 'Doris', while Mabel keeps herself amused trying to file her nails with one hand.

*************************

It's getting pretty heated in the trailer. Clothes are starting to come off. Doris is trying to get Dave's trousers off....


"Look, look"...mutters Dave, "I'm not sure if I can go through with this. It's...it's...it's WIERD....I mean, what about Mabel!"

Mabel is smoking a cigarette and looking the other way.

"It's OK" whispers Doris to Dave, "we've done this before and we've worked a way around this kind of thing. You see, me and you can go to bed, and she'll just lie there and play the SAXOPHONE."

Dave thinks about this for a moment.

"Oh, erm, ok...."says Dave, and before long, he's dragged into bed.

*************************

There's some serious lovemaking going on now. Dave and Doris are really at it. It's beautiful. If a little strange.

Meanwhile, Mabel starts fiddling around at the side of the bed. She opens up a black case, produces a saxophone, puts it to her lips, and serenades her neighbouring lovemakers into the night.

The hours slip by in a sea of extacy, intimacy, and jazz cheesiness.

Finally, after making love many times, and hearing 'April In Paris' on the saxophone half a dozen times, Dave falls into a blissfull, deep sleep.....

**************************


Dave wakes up with a terrible hangover.

He can't work out where he is.

He sits up.

He looks across the bed.

He sees DorisMabel. Doris is smiling in her sleep. Mabel is dozing, still holding the saxaphone to her mouth. Every time she breathes out there is a little 'parp'.

Dave screams.

He puts his clothes back on as fast as he can and runs out of the trailer and away from the trailer park as fast as his legs will carry him.


**************************

"Hey look" says Steve to Dave while they're driving back from work many weeks later, "Isn't that the place where we met that Doris girl?"

"Yeah, and you met Mabel!" laughs Dave.

"Yeah, but I didn't make LOVE to Mabel. I didn't even kiss her!" says Steve, pulling into the car park of the bar.

"Hey, what are you doing! We can't drink in there! Not after the other night!" shouts Dave. "Turn around! Drive back!"

"Ahh, relax will ya" says Steve, turning off the ignition. "Just one beer. And NO talking to strange women. Ok?"

"Urm, well, ok" mutters Dave quietly.

Steve walks into the bar. Dave follows him nervously.

It's deserted, except for the barman. Dave breathes a sigh of relief.

Steve orders some beers and they sit down.


**************************

Unknown to Dave and Steve, DorisMabel have walked in to the bar from a side entrance.

DorisMabel can see into the bar, but they are around a corner where Dave and Steve can't see them.

"Look!" exclaims Mabel, "It's your lover boyfriend!! Quick, go over and talk to him!!!"

"No, no, I can't!" says Doris, pulling back.

"Why not, what's wrong?" asks Mabel.

"I don't know" cries Doris. "He ran off like that all of a sudden. I don't even think he likes me!"

"Oh come on, don't cry" says Mabel, pulling out a tissue. "You should go and talk to him"

"I'm not sure" sniffles Doris, "Do you think he'd recognise me?"
Old 23rd May 2003
  #25
Lives for gear
 
adamcal's Avatar
 
🎧 15 years
On the Titanic

There is a magician and his parrot, they have a bit of a love hate relationship, the parrot is always screwing up the magicians tricks.

(make parrot voice) "He marked the cards" and "the rope is in his pocked" and this really anoyed the magician.

anyway, after the titanic hits the ice and goes down they are floating round on a raft for a few days, and the parrot hasnt said a word.

so the magician says "whats wrong with you" and the parrot says "ok I give up, what did you do with the boat"


heh
Old 23rd May 2003
  #26
Gear Nut
 
jobi7's Avatar
 
🎧 15 years
What do you call a blonde skeleton in a closet?

The 1969 hide-and-go seek champion.

I saw this one recently and had a good laugh...

What did the Pro Tools engineer say to the vocalist?

That sucked, come on in...
Old 23rd May 2003
  #27
jzb
Gear Nut
 
jzb's Avatar
 
🎧 15 years
The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified,
well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.

"Can I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Natalie" the man replied.

"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies.
Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No. I must see Natalie" was the man's reply.
Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man that
she charged $1,000 a "visit."

Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one hundred dollar bills
and gave them to Natalie and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again,
demanding to see Natalie.

Natalie explained that no one had ever come back
two nights in a row; too expensive -- and there were no discounts.
The price was still $1,000.

Again he man pulled out the money,
gave it to Natalie and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night,
but he paid Natalie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Natalie questioned the man.
"No one has ever used me three nights in a row.
Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, "South Carolina."

"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

"I know," the man said.
"Your father died and I am your family's attorney.
I was instructed to give you your $3,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is: Some things in life are certain:

1. Taxes
2. Death
3. Being screwed by a lawyer


Old 23rd May 2003
  #28
Here for the gear
 
🎧 15 years
A nurse walks into a protologist's examining room with a beer in her hand..

The Doctor says "I said get me a butt light!!"
Old 31st May 2003
  #29
Here for the gear
 
abooganza's Avatar
 
🎧 15 years
How many Singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?


....One,they just stand there and the world revovles around them.
Old 31st May 2003
  #30
Gear Guru
 
🎧 15 years
What's the difference between an oboe and a bassoon?

You can hit a baseball farther with a bassoon.





What's the difference between a banjo and a trampoline?

You take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline.




How do you keep your violin from being stolen?

Put it in a viola case.
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