i've been making music since i was 1. when i was in my crib i set up a percussion rig with my toys and the bars of the crib, completely blowing away my parents who told me it was the best beats they'd ever heard. i spoke fluently so i knew what they said and i could tell they meant it, because my comprehension abilities were unparalleled even at that miniature age. i began college at 12.

i was an engineer. i was surprised none of the other students were creative geniuses like i was (which honestly is so weird because i pride myself in being smart enough to know everyone is really stupid). this was an elite college; to say it was ivy league would be an understatement: the ivy was so voluminous it was a veritable jungle. jungle league. this might account for my encyclopedic knowledge of jungle music, which peaked on march 14, 1995 at 10:27:09PM. fact.

i had 37 jobs, saving up my cash to buy the best records anyone has every published. i also built a studio in my mother's basement and slept on the SSL console: 99 channels, 42 bus compressors, 15 Neve pres (inexplicable). it was here that i simply made the best albums. i used state of the art computers acquired by NASA which were gifted to me when they heard my first album. i had every single plugin and often used all of them on every channel, with perfect settings.

i began to notice that most people were not actually making sick beats and lush melodies. they were watching television. sports. SNL. sheep. they didn't even know how many plugins i had. but soon computers became widespread and some of these regular morons were using them to make "music." sitting at the computer is a bad process. we sit there all day plugging into our spreadsheets, "liking" "posts" "online," and other dumb things of this nature. so i decided to switch things up to a good process, one that is excellent and correct and recognized by the father figures of music as righteous.

now i make music on an mpc60 prototype gifted to me by roger lynn who hadn't even heard my music but could tell it was the best stuff when he simply walked past me on the sidewalk (i don't know why he had the prototype with him). i record everything into a tascam porta1; tascam's flagship 1 track machine which, somehow, is stereo. i go to gigs and am literally 100% the most right person there. when i go on stage everyone applauds and says "you're right" before i even make a single sound. most people give up playing music when they hear the first note. i make $100,000 per second.

you've never heard of these figures but i am like the underground rebels salvador dali, michaelangelo, splinter, casey jones, holden caulfield, seinfeld, bugs bunny. we all get together and spent hours deep into the night pointing out how mainstream culture sucks. we call it "lame stream" which is an original coinage we came up with.

don't bother replying to this post. it's accurate, it's correct, it's 100% truthful according to science, wisdom and philosophy